Friday, March 25, 2011

Questions with no answers, yet.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Just an email makes me feel down the whole day today. Was basically filled with the feeling of giving up once I saw the email this morning. I am so tired of trying my best yet it feels as though everything I did is nothing at all. I have been pretty good in motivating myself all these while I think. But now, I don't know how much strength I have left to go on. I don't know whether I can really do it. I don't know whether I am cut out for this course. In the first place, I never even expected to get this course. It was my last choice and I basically have no choice but to go for it since this is what I was offered with. The only reason I accepted this course is because I have no other option. Yeah, that's it. I came into this course blurry, not knowing exactly what this course is about, what I will be facing but now, I am starting to see it. This is going to be my career forever once I step out of this university ( if everything goes well & I managed to graduate). Do I really want this? Is this really meant for me? The question remains.

On another note, giving up is not easy. It's not like I can say "Okay, I am giving up!" and leave everything behind. There's lots to consider. These are a few I came up with. If I give up now....

1) I would have to pay back my scholarship which is not a small amount of money.
2) My parents would have been disappointed.
3) I will be wasting my 2 years of university life.
4) What's next?

Unless I really have a better plan for the future, I can't give up. In the end, giving up is not an option after all.

All these while, all these 2 years of university life, I have been telling myself this is where God wants me to be. I am following the plan He has for me. But is it really so? What if it's not? What if this is just a part of God's plan for me and I would actually end up somewhere else? How can I be sure? I am not questioning God but I am questioning myself. Is this really what I want? Hey, it's my life here. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life like this?

I know it's a good course. A course with a bright future but somehow, I don't really feel the passion. Don't we say we have to like the things we do? What if I don't like it? Okay, to be honest, I don't really like I am doing at all. Sometimes I think I am just not suitable for this course. I have all sorts of question in my mind now. Questions that I myself couldn't answer.

One last week next week to go to end my 2nd year. Last clinic session of my 2nd year next week as well. Will I pass my first clinic practicals? I have no idea. Study week & exams after that then it's holiday. Long long holiday. Maybe I'll use that time to really think about & determine what I really want for my life. Right now, my only mission is to finish my 2nd year and see how it goes from there. That's it.


Qi Wen 绮文 said...

I did think of all that when I was in my Obstetric & Gynaecology posting.. once the tough part is over, you will find yourself actually fit in what you're doing.. that's the process. God wants test our maturity and handling stuff & whether do we know how to balance the consequence, whether are we serious in wanting something... just stay strong, girl... the answer is always inside you.. =)

~♥ Lynette Tan ♥~ said...

Thanks eli! =) I will stay strong & carry on. That's the only option I have now.

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