Just an email makes me feel down the whole day today. Was basically filled with the feeling of giving up once I saw the email this morning. I am so tired of trying my best yet it feels as though everything I did is nothing at all. I have been pretty good in motivating myself all these while I think. But now, I don't know how much strength I have left to go on. I don't know whether I can really do it. I don't know whether I am cut out for this course. In the first place, I never even expected to get this course. It was my last choice and I basically have no choice but to go for it since this is what I was offered with. The only reason I accepted this course is because I have no other option. Yeah, that's it. I came into this course blurry, not knowing exactly what this course is about, what I will be facing but now, I am starting to see it. This is going to be my career forever once I step out of this university ( if everything goes well & I managed to graduate). Do I really want this? Is this really meant for me? The question remains.
On another note, giving up is not easy. It's not like I can say "Okay, I am giving up!" and leave everything behind. There's lots to consider. These are a few I came up with. If I give up now....
1) I would have to pay back my scholarship which is not a small amount of money.
2) My parents would have been disappointed.
3) I will be wasting my 2 years of university life.
4) What's next?
Unless I really have a better plan for the future, I can't give up. In the end, giving up is not an option after all.
All these while, all these 2 years of university life, I have been telling myself this is where God wants me to be. I am following the plan He has for me. But is it really so? What if it's not? What if this is just a part of God's plan for me and I would actually end up somewhere else? How can I be sure? I am not questioning God but I am questioning myself. Is this really what I want? Hey, it's my life here. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life like this?
I know it's a good course. A course with a bright future but somehow, I don't really feel the passion. Don't we say we have to like the things we do? What if I don't like it? Okay, to be honest, I don't really like I am doing at all. Sometimes I think I am just not suitable for this course. I have all sorts of question in my mind now. Questions that I myself couldn't answer.
One last week next week to go to end my 2nd year. Last clinic session of my 2nd year next week as well. Will I pass my first clinic practicals? I have no idea. Study week & exams after that then it's holiday. Long long holiday. Maybe I'll use that time to really think about & determine what I really want for my life. Right now, my only mission is to finish my 2nd year and see how it goes from there. That's it.